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Sheep jokes & humour

Sheep Questions & Answers

Gary Larson - Sheep cartoons

Monty Python - "Flying Sheep"

Good Sheep, a trial against a man who fornicated a sheep.

The Wild and Wooly West..., where cowboys relief their itch.

Science Jokes with Sheep.

Lucky Lamb, a golfing man and a luck bringing lamb.

Dumb Sheep, two dumb sheep in a hole.

The Sheep Survey.

Desert Island, a joke about a man trapped on a desert island with dog and sheep.

Sheep vs. Women, the advantages of sheep.


Also have a look at Bert & Ernie's Dance Myself To Sleep at my Lullabies page. It is a lullaby, but very humourous!





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Sheep Questions & Answers

(Added December 10th 1997)

Sheep Questions & Answers
Q:    How do farmers find their sheep in long grass? A:     Very satisfying.        contributed by Halstead of S. Africa
Q:    What do you call 4 sheep tied to a lamppost? A:     A leisure center.        contributed by Gaz Tibernious Wildebeeste
Q:    Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A:     Sheep can hear zippers.
Q:    When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Q:    What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman? A:    Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"        The Scotsman says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"        contributed by SubHuman, Square Root, and others
Q:    How do you get a sheep to push harder? A:    Face it toward a cliff.
Q:    Why do the horses run so fast in New Zealand? A:    Because they know what's done to the sheep!      contributed by ImAcUlAtE CoNcEpT of Australia.
Q:    Did you hear about the shepherd who committed suicide? A:    He heard the song, "There'll Never Be Another Ewe."
Q:    Did you know that they've just discovered two new uses for sheep? A:    Meat and wool.
Q:    What is the smallest organ in a sheep? A:    A shepherd's tallywhacker.        contributed by Frank Hicks
Q:   What's the difference between a sheep and a Yugo? A:   It's marginally less embarrassing being seen getting out of the back        of a sheep. Q:   Where does virgin wool come from? A:   Ugly sheep!             contributed by Baldrick 2 Dogs




(source: Dogbone's Sheep Jokes)





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Gary Larson - Sheep Cartoons

(Added September 15th 1997)

(source: Damien's Larson Gif's and Jpg's)





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Monty Python - "Flying Sheep"

(Added July 1st 1997)

(A tourist approaches a shepherd. The sounds of sheep and the outdoors are heard.)
Tourist: Good afternoon.
Shephrd: Eh, 'tis that.
Tourist: You here on holiday?
Shephrd: Nope, I live 'ere.
Tourist: Oh, good for you. Uh...those ARE sheep aren't they?
Shephrd: Yeh.
Tourist: Hmm, thought they were. Only, what are they doing up in the trees?
Shephrd: A fair question and one that in recent weeks 'as been much on my mind. It's my considered opinion that they're nestin'.
Tourist: Nesting?
Shephrd: Aye.
Tourist: Like birds?
Shephrd: Exactly. It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their be'avior.
Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their 'ind legs. Now witness their attmpts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet.

(Baaa baaa... flap flap flap ... whoosh ... thud.)
Tourist: Yes, but why do they think they're birds?
Shephrd: Another fair question. One thing is for sure, the sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparatively simple act of perchin'.

(Baaa baaa... flap flap flap ... whoosh ... thud.)
Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their 'eads, there's no shiftin' it.
Tourist: But where did they get the idea?
Shephrd: From Harold. He's that most dangerous of creatures, a clever sheep. 'e's realized that a sheep's life consists of standin' around for a few months and then bein' eaten. And that's a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep.
Tourist: Well why don't just remove Harold?
Shephrd: Because of the enormous commercial possibilities if 'e succeeds.



(source: Monty Python Scripts)





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Good Sheep

(Added July 1st 1997)

Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that's illegal an' all. Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised. The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw:
"Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like."
"And then what?" asked the prosecutor.
"Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close."
"And what happened after that?"
"Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around... an' licked him!"
Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, "You know... a good sheep'll do that."


(source: Funny Bone; animal jokes)





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The Wild and Wooly West...

(Added July 1st 1997)

An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a local, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"

"Ya mean women?" asked the local yokel. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks fuck sheep."

"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."

However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"

One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"




(source: Funny Bone; animal jokes)





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Science Jokes with Sheep

(Added June 25th 1997)

(Begin 1997, the first cloning of a sheep was announced. The sheep was called Dolly, because she was cloned from breast tissue. - JV)


Ewe got that right

With the recent events in Scotland, we are saddened to announce that the mamalian male of each and every population has just taken an evolutionary step backward. After eons of enlarging anatomical development, to deal with harsh environments such that the female may brood in safety and security, a human male has now started us down the road to where our half of the species is obsolete. Just as the Western females of the species were discovering the early mortality and rampant disease that had largely been teh male domain, they have now been introduced to a system whereby much of their stress can be alleviated through the removal of the male population from the gene pool. FBI agent Clarissa would have been happy to see these events unfold in a story that can only be termed


THE SILENCE OF THE RAMS


(From: Aliquotes v.iv (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com))



Scientists in Scotland

A philosopher, a physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

"Aha," says the philosopher, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train when they passed the same field full of sheep.

"Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said Watson to Holmes.

"Yes Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes.

"But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted.

"Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the legs and divided by four!"


(source: Joachim, from his Science Jokes collection)


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Lucky Lamb

(Added June 18th 1997)

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a little lamb sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Baaaa. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Baaaa. 9 Iron." He looks at the little lamb and decides to prove the lamb wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the little lamb, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky lamb, eh?" The little lamb reply's "Baaaa. Lucky lamb." The man decides to take the little lamb with him to the next hole. "What do you think little lamb?" the man asks. "Baaaa. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the little lamb, "OK where to next?" The little lamb replies "Baaaa. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK little lamb, now what?" The lamb says, "Baaaa Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The little lamb replies, "Baaaa. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the little lamb down and says, "Lamb, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The little lamb replies, "Baaaa, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the little lamb did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the little lamb turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."


(source unknown. The original version was with a frog instead of a little lamb. The modification was made by Gwynt)



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Dumb Sheep

(Added June 18th 1997)

Two dumb (blond) sheep are walking on the grasslands. Suddenly they both fall into a hole. They can't get out. The first dumb blond sheep starts to shout: "Help!! Help!!" It does not seem to work. No help is coming. The first dumb sheep shouts again: "Help!!! Help!!" The second dumb sheep says: "It might help if we shout together." The first dumb sheep shouts: "Together!! Together!!"


(source: Gwynt)



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The Sheep Survey

(Added May 1997)

There was once a university researcher who specialised in exploring modern myths and fables. One year, in the course of her research she was expected to investigate the real prevalence of sheep shagging. Now of course, we all know that supposedly rural farmers are all starved of sex and so have to indulge in the occasional animal liason, but just how prevalent was this trend?

Our intrepid researcher set off to find out. As she went along to the first farm, she was understandably a little embarased about what she was going to have to ask the farmer there. She met him and started to chat to him about the weather, crops and suchlike. Eventually, she got her nerve together and asked: "Pardon me asking, but....have you ever shagged your sheep?"

"Arrr. I have." Was the dreaded answer.

"Err..., so how do you go about it exactly?"

"Well, it be easy really. Front legs over a gate, hold the hind legs and you're away really."

The researcher quickly made her excuses and left. She felt sure this was an isolated incident. But as she travelled around the shhep farms of the UK, she repeatedly got the answer: "Front legs over a gate, hold the hind legs and you're away."

As she was reaching the end of her study, a shocking 62% of farmers had given this answer. It was obviously a much more prevalent custom than she had previously realised. At one of the last farms she visited, she asked the dreaded question after the usual smalltalk.

"Pardon me asking, but....have you ever shagged your sheep?"

"Arrr. I have." Was the usual answer.

"So how do you go about it exactly?" (She was more confident of asking by now).

"Well, it be easy really. Front legs over your shoulders, hold the hind legs and you're away."

"Hang on a minute, all the other farmers I have spoken to have said front legs over a gate!"

"What! No kissing?"




(source: Gordon's Humour Page





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Desert Island

(Added May 1997)

A cargo ship was sailing across the sea from Spain to New York with a shipment of animals for a local pet store. They saw an island and decided to land and see if it was inhabited. As they were sailing up to the shore, the waves suddenly shifted and sent the ship plunging into the reef. The only survivors were a man, a sheep and a dog. The man survived on the island well enough on wool from the sheep for clothing, food from the plants on the island, and companionship from the dog. This wen on for quite sometime, when the man started feeling his...uh..."manly urges" arising. He ignored them for awhile, but they eventually got too strong to bear. He was looking around for some way to relieve these urges, when his eyes fell upon the sheep. "Well, no one will ever know" he thought. He caught the sheep and started "performing the deed", when the dog came up and attacked him. He ran off and the dog stopped. When he went for the sheep a second time, the dog attacked again. This went on for awhile, until the man finally accepted defeat. He climbed to the top of a cliff and was about to throw himself off, when on the horizon he noticed a sailing ship heading his way. He signaled for help, and the ship prepared to land on the island. Just as it was about to, the waves shifted again and threw the ship against the reef. The man could hardly believe it! But, he looked down on the beach and saw someone pull themself out of the water and collapse there on the sand. He races down and discovered it was an absolutely gorgeous woman. He administered CPR on her and soon she was revived. She was so happy to be alive, that she looked at him and said "For saving my life, I'll do anything you want." The man looked at her with growing excitement. "Anything!" he exclaimed. "Anything your little heart desires." she said. "What'll it be? What do you want me to do?" The man looked at her and said, "Here, take this damn dog for a walk will ya?" (source: The Puppet Master's Joke collection)




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Sheep vs. Women

(Added May 1997)

* Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
* You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
* Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
* Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease
* Nuttin' beats mutton
* Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel
* Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early
* Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
* Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them
* No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe
* Sheep are never concerened about their reputation
* Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up
* Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up for the second time
* Sheep never insist on eating out
* You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson
* Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
* Sheep don't smell like tuna fish
* Sheep don't get moody once a month
* You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth
* A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay
* A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed
* A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon
* A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car
* A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains
* A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay
* A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup
* A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy
* A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator
* A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom
* A sheep will never sue you for palimony
* A sheep won't care if you screw her sister
* A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is
* A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing
* A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can
* Sheep never have a headache
* A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill
* A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom
* A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons
* Sheep grow their own fur coats
* A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football
* Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend
* A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning
* Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex
* A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up
* A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator
* A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style
* A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom
* Sheep are "ram tough"
* A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth
* Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on
* Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning
* Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck
* A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it
* A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber

(source: The DataTek Humor Collection)
Note from Gwynt: the Sheep vs. Women part is not very friendly towards women. Therefor, I invite you to write/find e.g. a Sheep vs. Men part and mail it to me.